Recently,my fear is about death. I’m afraid of leaving this world and unable to pay back all the loan I have stupidly taken and scary for not doing something worthy enough in this world.
Several times I wanted to share this fear but at the moment I don’t know who to trust with my personal feeling.
My boarding house mate are not the type I think. They are good people who likes to say rude words passionately that most people would easily get insulted.
Several times I cannot close my eyes for fear of not waking up anymore.
But tonight while enjoying the meals at a restaurant nearby Bandung’s Pecinan, I crossed another fear. Or to be more accurate, I got reminded of this phobia.
The fear of committing life with somebody until the end of time.
We were finishing the meal and getting ready to leave while I watched some people passing by carrying their children or perhaps holding their spouses hand and that’s it.
That’s when the idea struck me again. How could it be?
How could someone trust somebody else without any suspicion for how long? 40 to 50 years? Most people wouldn’t reached the golden anniversary.
My parents even got separated before they reached the silver one.
I wondered how could it be there’s someone so goddamn special from this big pool of Homo Sapiens ?
As far as I know, there are about 7 billion of people. In Indonesia itself , there are about 260 million of people. Way too big possibilities to be calculated, and it is something my small brain cannot apprehend.
But this romantic aspiration shouldn’t matters a lot of I remember a father who was scorched by an angry mob two days ago. What I am experiencing is not something unfixable. I can still try to get her attention for as far as I am concerned.